Talking Sex with My Daughter Even Before She Could Say the Word “Sex”

I never imagined talking about sex with my daughter before she could even talk herself. Yet that is when it started. I, along my husband, decided early on that we would not provide “pet names” for Addy’s body parts, especially her female parts. Her labia was her labia. Her clitoris was her clitoris. Her nipples were her nipples. She does however refer to those as her “nibbles”. Early on that is the pronunciation she heard. I simply smile when she is adamant that that is the correct term for those pink, fleshy, projections on her chest.

It is important to me that Addy have the words she needs to describe herself in very real terms. And should someone touch her or make her touch them, I want her to be able to tell us and in turn, we understand what she is talking about. She was around 18 months when we started teaching her these words, along with the words: head, foot, hand. We were giving her an accurate and healthy vocabulary for her body.

As Addy got older, our sex talk continued. Around age 3, Addy started asking where babies came from. She loved hearing about the day she was born and looking at pictures of her body before the grey slime was wiped away. So, I told her about how the woman’s body, specifically the uterus, held the baby and helped the baby grow bigger and stronger and ready to be born. When ready, that baby came out of the mommy’s vaginal area with the help of a doctor or midwife. In her case, she came out a little differently. Without a lot of technical terms, I told her how the doctors had to make a small cut, lift her tiny body out of mine and sew that cut back up.

Addy is very tactile, so she acted out birthing a baby. She would lay down on our couch or her bed, spread her legs and ask me to assist her as she grunted and pushed one of her stuffies into the world. Before the big event, she would walk around with that stuffy lodged under her dress. She got pretty good at waddling and holding her back while carefully lowering herself into a chair. She also role played the cesarean birth that was her own. I was the surgeon. She asked for details, because she wanted to get it exactly right.

Addy hasn’t asked how babies are made, so I haven’t talked to her about it yet. We have talked about her being both from me and from dad. For a long time, she equated getting married to having a baby. Her parents are married. Her parents had a baby. For her, 1 plus 1 equals 2. She has since learned that she was at mommy and daddy’s wedding. I’ve seen her face puzzling over 1 and 1 not quite adding up to 2. But for her, she isn’t yet concerned with the details. So I haven’t provided any.

Naming body parts and talking about babies, pregnancy and birth have all been topics I expected and was ready to talk with my daughter about. What I hadn’t given a lot of thought to was masturbation. At least not yet.

Naming body parts and talking about babies, pregnancy and birth have all been topics I expected and was ready to talk to my daughter about. What I hadn’t given a lot of thought to was masturbation. At least not yet. So, when I saw my daughter touching her labia and clitoris, I asked her (with as calm and normal voice as I could) what she was doing? She looked up, smiled and said, “I’m tickling myself. It feels good, Mommy.” I agreed with her, “it does feel good.” Since that moment, we have talked about masturbation. Again, my husband and I decided, we’d be open, use real terms and answer the questions she was asking. Well, she didn’t really ask any questions. Yet, we wanted to give her the permission to ask. We also wanted to provide a healthy context for this new discovery. I told her it is normal and okay to touch herself. I told her that mommy does it too. I told her it is important to wash her hands afterwards, don’t use any objects or put anything inside her vagina. I’ve also told her this is something that is done privately, something she can do in her bedroom or bathroom when the door is closed, and she is by herself. She has pushed her boundaries on this one a bit, so we have had to come back to the topic of what is the best place for her to masturbate. I have also had to create a bath schedule, so she isn’t asking for a “bath” every night.

I have noticed that I am the one keeping the lines of communication open while ensuring that she stays healthy. I’m okay with that. I expected as much. I am her first role model.

My husband, though on board with our approach, has admitted to some unease about the frequency of Addy masturbating. I too have been a bit nervous. Normal child development places self-stimulation between ages 2-6; my girl is indeed average. But I am confident in the parameters we’ve put around it, the safe conversations we’ve had about it, and the normalization of it. That is a good first step for what’s going to be an ongoing conversation. I have noticed that I am the one keeping the lines of communication open while ensuring that she stays healthy. I’m okay with that. I expected as much. I am her first role model.

Hopefully, by starting with real terms, honest answers to honest questions, and healthy boundaries we’ve build a good, solid foundation for more conversation and discovery.

As I anticipate the next reiteration of our sex talk, I want to be sure I have explored my own values and language. I want to be intentional when I talk with my daughter, answer questions and share my opinions. I want her to trust me and to feel safe enough to be honest with me. I tell her that part of my job as her mommy is to keep her safe and healthy. Her sexuality is a huge part of who she is and will be in the world. For her to have a healthy sexuality is so important to the health of her whole being. The challenges are around corner. They are real, and she will one day experience hurt, confusion and loss around sex and her sexuality. Hopefully, by starting with real terms, honest answers to honest questions, and healthy boundaries we’ve built a good, solid foundation for more conversation and discovery.

Here is a basic Do’s and Don’ts List, from US News & World Report Health, for talking about sex with your child. 

• Do clarify your own values about sex (I would add, “before and during your conversations”)
• Don’t wait until they’re teenagers to talk about sex
• Do make yourself available
• Don’t use pet names for private parts
• Do consider the setting for your conversations
• Don’t overshare (don’t answer for more than they’re asking)
• Do explain their rights, responsibilities and what’s at stake

Inspiring Women adds a few other essential “Do’s” I think are worth noting, especially when talking with older children.

• Do stay relaxed (or as Tribe member, Kris, says “don’t over-react!)
• Do have your child explain what they have learned or know about sex
• Do empower your child with accurate information
• Do listen
• Do explain sexual choices, feelings and actions (on their website, they link this one to Planned Parenthood’s web article on Tips for Talking to your child about sex and relationships)
• Do provide loving, caring interactions (tickle, hug, kiss)
• Do support body exploration, especially during hygiene and toilet training
• Do monitor social exposure and models – from TV to personal contacts (or as Kris advices, know which adults have influence in your child’s life and circle back around to them)

Inspiring Women provides their own “Don’ts” to consider.

• Don’t be judgmental or criticize (remember to not over-react)
• Don’t compare your child with others
• Don’t violate confidences unless child is at risk
• Don’t be evasive or avoid certain questions
• Don’t shame because of what child does or says sexually
• Don’t reference what child does sexually as “funny” or “bad”