Parenting Lessons from Parents Who Cheat, Lie, Fail Their Kids (And Play Aunt Becky on Full House)
Let me disclose my prejudice right away: I was always jealous of Aunt Becky! Gorgeous and funny husband. All the benefits of great “parenting” and returning them to their dad at the end of the day. And her figure still in tact because she didn’t actually have to carry those adorable kiddos in her own body. As their “Aunt”, she was influential in the success of D.J., Stephanie and Michelle.
Turns out Aunt Becky might have been a tad jealous herself. Whenever I look at other women on Facebook, I have to be careful not to slip into envy too. I know the photos and status updates are just a sliver of their life and probably the best parts of that life, but I still find myself lusting after all the “goodness” and “perfection” I see. Now that I am a mom, I find myself taking note of the kids I see. Someone else’s children seem to have so much going for them. The opportunities, awards, and talents are abundant. I want that for my kid too! I deserve that for my kid, right?! She deserves that for herself. What do I have to do so that my kid has that kind of success?
One influence I am very mindful of is the pressure to achieve, to measure up, to present to the world a status worth another’s attention and even praise.
Because I know envy and self-criticism are two of my biggest enemies, I keep close tabs on their influence in my life. One influence I am very mindful of is the pressure to achieve, to measure up, to present to the world a status worth another’s attention and even praise. Too often, I forget that my child’s behavior and accomplishments are not a reflection of me, my behavior or my accomplishments.
The massive admissions scandal reeks of envy and “keeping up with the Jones”. It’s like Facebook Moms gone wild! Or the dark side of Mommy Blogs and the “fake” realities they, not only present, but offer another mom a size for comparison and measurement.
Others have been providing their commentary on the scandal and my own echoes much of what’s already been written. Yet I want to offer 4 lessons that I’ve pulled from Aunt Becky’s scam. They are my own. If you can relate to them or glean some wisdom from there, great. If not? You have my permission to ignore this commentary altogether.
Pressure to succeed and have measurable status is real.
When I first heard about the massive admissions scandal, my empathy sensors went off. These parents gave into that engulfing pressure to give their children every opportunity to succeed. And as most American success is measured in financial prowess or powerful status, these parents secured an avenue toward both. Pressure to succeed is real. Yet the parents and adults involved in the admissions scandal know right from wrong. They knew what they were doing was wrong. Even worse, it was thought out and elaborate. Turns out, I have no empathy for that.
Nepotism, more specifically, white privilege, continues to pervade American culture.
For the appalling nature of this admissions scam, there are more stories of the legal efforts white, affluent parents go to get their children into premiere colleges. Applications curated by professionals to grooming kids starting in early elementary school, parents spend a lot of money to advance their children. But not every parent has the means to give their child a leg up. In fact, the majority of students in the United States do not have access to this kind of educational support. Even in a state like Minnesota, where the public-school system is well-funded and students’ test scores come out higher than their national counterparts, the achievement gap is still very much an issue. And this achievement gap is defined around racial lines.
For a long time, failure was my greatest fear. Then I worked for an organization who eliminated it from their vocabulary. They literally to it out of the office dictionary, and in its place, pasted the words, “experience, growth, taking a chance and learning something new”.
Failure is an opportunity to learn.
Helicopter parenting has intensified into lawnmower parenting. Parents mow down all of their children’s challenges, discomforts and struggles. They don’t want their kids to struggle. But without struggle, without disappointment, without failure, children miss out on opportunities to learn. They are not afforded the chance to build their resilience and self-confidence which are qualities that most adults will need in life (not to mention those teenage years). For a long time, failure was my greatest fear. Then I worked for an organization who eliminated it from their vocabulary. They literally took it out of the office dictionary and, in its place, pasted the words “experience, growth, taking a chance and learning something new”. I tried a lot of things while I was with that company, some were hugely successful, others…well, they were failures. But for once I wasn’t afraid and my creative muscle grew exponentially, along with my self-confidence and resilience.
Integrity is something mothers can both teach and model.
Integrity has two definitions. First, integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. It is also defined as the state of being whole and undivided. This second definition refers to territories or countries. Yet it also says something about a person with integrity. Living by one’s principles and being honest through their actions, their authentic selves are not divided. They aren’t showing one face to the world and another within their homes or with friends. They are whole, and so find it easier to be honest in public and in private. This is a hard lesson to teach with just words. But the way a parent lives out their own integrity through their actions will give their the words more power and influence in their child’s life. After all, we are their first role models.
