My Decision to Stay At Home & Why I Reserve The Right to Change My Mind

Before Addy was born or even a twinkle in my eye, I put in a lot of hours at work. I saw my job as more than a career. It was my identity and almost a lifestyle. I was a youth director and a really great one! I wouldn’t consider it the kind of career that requires ladder climbing. But it did demand time and a depth of commitment that only the job of mom has rivaled. I was in the process of transitioning out of youth ministry when I discovered I was pregnant. I knew that I wanted to raise a family, and I questioned whether I could do that while a full-time youth director, at least in the way I was youth directing. There are plenty of women in ministry who work full time and have children.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was working in a new position for a Lutheran Bible camp in Epping, North Dakota. I had recently been recruited by the camp director while working at a bank and considering my next career move. It was a great job and a great organization. I’m not sure if my husband, Aaron, and I talked about it or not, but I never once thought I wouldn’t go back to work. I was especially eager to keep defining the new position and to translate my youth ministry experience into outdoor ministry leadership. It was an ambitious intention. But it remained just that, an intention.

After maternity leave, I went back to the office. Everyone was super flexible. I usually had a baby carrier in tow as I went to meetings, and my boss helped me set up a pack and play in my office. The camp was in summer staff recruitment season This meant trips to colleges across the region, hotel rooms and talking to a lot of young adults. I also made countless trips to area churches, meeting with pastors and youth directors. The camp vehicle was fitted with a car seat for convenience.

I remember one particular day in the office. Addy was chilling out in her carrier and I was sitting at my desk, staring at a blank computer screen. Next to it was a “to do” list with more items than I knew I’d get to that day. My mind was not really focused on work, at least not the work I was being paid to perform. It was on my daughter. It didn’t seem fair to her that I was so close and yet so far away. I ended up going home early. Once at home, I held my baby daughter in my arms. But my focus was back at work on that “to do” list. When would I get to that? How long could I put it off before my boss would ask questions?

I just couldn’t find a way of being fully present at work or at home.

Those kinds of days became more frequent. When I was at work, I seemed only able to think about Addy. When I was at home with Addy, I agonized over the work I wasn’t doing for the camp. My sister always said I was an “airhead”, but this was ridiculous! Something had to give (as though it hadn’t already). I cut back my hours to three quarters. This was helpful but not enough. I went to half-time. Looking back now, I could totally have done that and done it well. But not then. I just couldn’t find a way of being fully present at work or at home. Did I mention I was also trying to take 2 online classes toward a career change I eventually abandoned when I abandoned North Dakota. 

After talking with Aaron, we decided I would stay home full time. Factoring in the kind of care Addy needed as an infant and the costs of daycare (or even its availability in boomtown U.S.A.), it was the best decision for us. I felt so much relief and settled into staying at home. I found focus and was a lot happier and motivated.

I loved being a stay-at-home mom. I made homemade baby food, conquered lots of DIY projects, stayed organized (the house was a lot cleaner then) and spent lots and lots of time with my daughter. I’m pretty sure the reason she started talking long before walking was because I spent my days narrating everything. I will always treasure that first year and a half. I was in my element, and I never once regretted my decision.

I still consider staying at home my first job, and it trumps most everything else I give time and energy toward.

I still consider staying at home my first job, and it trumps most everything else I give time and energy toward. Things are, however, different now. I am an independent contractor and do consulting work within my old stomping grounds, youth and family ministry. I work anywhere from 10 to 20 hours per week. I have also added some writing jobs when I feel like I can manage it. Just like that first year and a half of my daughter’s life, I am in my element. I am happy and motivated. 

How I went back to working also came about with some jerks and stutters too. It actually caused a great deal of conflict between Aaron and me. It is one we haven’t completely resolved yet but are working on. Aaron remembers it differently than I do. One thing we both remember is that we had originally decided that I would stay home until Addy was in kindergarten. Where it gets fuzzy is whether we talked through what a change to the plan might look like.

We moved in with my in-laws. The town where they lived was so small, the roads were gravel and it was without a post office.

When we left North Dakota, our financial situation wasn’t healthy enough to buy or even rent a home. Aaron had secured a great job in a small town south of the Twin Cities. He could live with his cousin. Addy and I went the opposite direction. We moved in with my in-laws. The town where they lived was so small, the roads were gravel and it was without a post office. At first, I saw it as an answered prayer.

Over time, seeing my husband, at best, one weekend per month and sparring with my in-laws over parenting decisions like spanking or the Biblical interpretation of gender roles, I had had enough. I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I was very thankful for all they did for us, not just easing the financial burdens but opening their space to us in ways that probably required sacrifices on their part. Looking back, I just couldn’t see my situation through a lens of gratitude. 

The only way the three of us could live together again was if I could contribute to our household income.

I was sinking into depression. Staying at home felt like a prison. After Addy went to bed, I avoided the living room. I went to my parents’ house as much as possible. I spent a lot of time on the phone with Aaron, crying and desperately trying to feel close to him through a bit of plastic and wiring. The only way the three of us could live together again was if I could contribute to our household income. So, I started looking at job postings. Because we couldn’t afford daycare, I would have to work nights and weekends. The job search was demoralizing, and I was left angry and defeated. I didn’t feel qualified for anything, not to mention, motivated to do any of the jobs listed. Aaron encouraged me to go back into ministry. I didn’t even bother with those postings. I’d just be trading too much time with my in-laws for too much time with someone else’s kids. 

Then life threw a curve ball. My sister lost her life to suicide. Not only was I devastated, but I went from being depressed to feeling ungrounded. Nothing felt familiar to me…So, I took, what was for me, a life-saving action. I started working.

Eventually, we found different family members to live with. It was a decent situation but my desire to contribute financially continued. In just short of year, Aaron and I were able to move into our own place. Financially, it was really tight. Then life threw a huge curve ball. My sister lost her life to suicide. Not only was I devastated, but I went from being depressed to feeling ungrounded. Nothing felt familiar to me. And as a mother, I wasn’t doing a very good job. I had a hard time redirecting my own sadness and anger way from my daughter. My confidence and self-esteem plummeted. So, I took, what was to me, a life-saving action. I started working. I went back into youth ministry, only this time I did it part time and with a defined start and end date between different contracts. I started specializing in transitional and process leadership. I navigate congregations through hard and necessary changes. I could use a familiar skill set and draw on years of experience in a new way. I could contribute to the household income. I started feeling better about myself.

It has been over 2 years since I started working again. I am not depressed. I am managing my own home. Aaron and I go to bed in each other’s arms every night. I delight in spending time with my daughter again. She sees how much her mom loves her job. Working part-time probably isn’t a permanent situation. I’m okay with that. It is the right decision for our family right now.

I don’t have the right answer for you. I do have a hope for you: that you would own your choice and live into it in ways that make you happy, motived, a better mom and a better woman.

My journey is not unique. Women choose to work or stay home for a whole host of reasons. Sometimes the choice isn’t really a “choice” and sometimes the choice is revisited and becomes something different depending on life’s circumstances. I promised I wasn’t going to use Her First Role Model as a soapbox. I don’t have the right answer for you. I do have a hope for you: that you would own your choice and live into it in ways that make you happy, motivated, a better mom and a better woman. Don’t be ashamed of your choice or any another’s. And you deserve the right to change your mind at any point.