Mom, Don’t Breathe. It’s Embarrassing

Remember when I shared that my tween daughter’s relationship with me is hot or cold, and back and forth several times in the sam e day? One moment, she is clinging to me and afraid to stray 2 steps from me in the grocery store. The next moment, I’m dropping her off, behind the garbage cans, so her friends can’t see the ugly mini van we pulled up to school in. My response? I laugh.

I haven’t always laughed. 2 years ago, I would have felt wounded and rejected. I would have forged ahead, despite her embarrassment, and threatened to yell out the minivan window being sure her friends saw us! I’m wasn’t a mean mom. I was an insecure mom. Insecure woman actually.

I remember when I was a tween and had a similar relationship with my mom. I was embarrassed all the time. From my mom’s clothes to her long hippy hair, I questioned everything about her. I assumed that her idiosyncrasies were a reflection of me and our family. If she was weird, then I was weird. And the last thing any tween girl wants is to be labeled “weird”. It is a social killer. But what’s so weird about breathing? I mean, I seemed to get embarrassed when my mom simply drew breath. What was I scared of?

When I became an adult, I operated with a similar logic: my value or worth was tied to the people around me or the physical attributes I possessed. Living by that logic makes for lots of insecure and embarrassing responses. Not the kind of embarrassing like being caught with your zipper down. The kind that keeps you from being yourself and forgoing opportunities you long for but never take because someone might judge you. For me, embarrassment was an outward expression of a fear of judgement and ultimately, rejection.

I’m not sure my daughter is scared of anything, or at least in relationship to her mom’s embarrassing behaviors. And I know she doesn’t worry about being judged by her peers. She isn’t the judgy type. In fact, she’s the opposite. She is very accepting and compassionate, even when she disagrees with someone else.

Instead, I think she is doing exactly what her social and emotional development is telling her to do: prepare for life beyond your parents. And embarrassment is a tool she and most tweens use with precision and expertise. Like her peers, she is discovering what makes her unique, independent of who her parents are and what they say she is. It’s just part of the natural process of growing up. My daughter’s mind and body are really good at preparing for her future as a solo woman, equipping her to venture onto her own path. But to get there, it takes small steps and testing the waters. I wonder if embarrassment covers up the fear she might be experiencing when she strays more than 2 steps from her mom. A fear of the unknown. Which is totally understandable. I’m an adult and I struggle facing the unknown. But who wants to admit to being afraid?

I have seen my daughter blush when she admits she is scared of something. She’ll admit when she is afraid of trying something new, like volunteering to represent her hockey team at a nationally televised awards ceremony. But something more benign, like having Mom sit in the locker room with her because we’re over an hour early for her game, she would rather die than admit she’s nervous to be alone. Instead she tells me it’s too embarrassing to have her mom wait with her.

I’ve worked so hard to not let my daughter’s reaction to the car I drive or how I breathe, get in the way of being an actively engaged mother. I don’t let it push me away. Sometimes it hurts to see how she’s gets embarrassed by me. Other times, it is simply laughable. Most of the time, I don’t challenge it. I certainly don’t shame her for it. It’s pretty normal to have a tween who begins her rebellion with something as small as hopping out of the minivan 300 meters away from the school entrance and hidden behind the dumpsters, where her friends can’t see her connection to such a hideously ugly car.

It was actually my idea to give her a chance to distance herself from the ugly car. I suggested I drop her off far enough away, so she could “save face”. I did so, because I knew that my job as a mom is to make her transition to independence less painful than it needs to be. Really, this is one instance where not much is going to be gained by challenging her and it’s a safe place for her to be independent. My daughter’s tween years will have struggles and pain a plenty. I don’t need to add to them. Where I can, I will take it on the chin and let her embarrasment of me simply run it’s course. I know that it will because I no longer get embarrassed by my parents. I see them as people, fellow human beings like me, doing their best. She’ll come around that that understanding to.

So if I need to drop her off behind the dumpsters or stay out of locker rooms, I can do that. But I am not going to hold my breath. She needs me to stay calm and keep the steady breath of a mom who has her back and will be her safe, predictable place during journey through adolescence.