Meet Kris: Let’s Talk About Sex (Baby)

Do you follow any blogs or podcasts? 

Yes, they’re ministry related and quilting. Oprah’s podcast “super soul”.

What is your working definition of motherhood?

It’s nurturing tiny humans into adulthood and releasing them to the wild.

You have two daughters, right? How old are they?

Julia, 22. Emily, 20. Right now, I’m just trying to keep up. Don’t fuck up, right?

Can you describe each of them a bit?

Julia is tactile. This is how she learns. She’s empathetic, somewhat dramatic. She loves reality shows and other people’s drama. [She] Loves animals. Her character is a protector of others. I received a call from her elementary school principal. She had gotten punched because she told a kid he couldn’t budge in front of her friend. She is always checking in on me, especially after my dad died. I am thankful for that.

Emily doesn’t give a rat’s ass about much. She’s fierce in her own way but won’t plow over other people. She is a peace keeper. Not super empathetic. She is determined. She is not a long-game person; the short-game is where she makes it happen. [She is] artistically talented; always been that way. Growing up, she always wanted to have themed birthday parties. I never had to plan them. I just helped make it happen. She is entrepreneurial. She is a business management major. She smashes every life lesson I try to give her. She finds her own way.

Emily knows how to work the system. Julia just fights it out. 

When I had [gave birth to] Julia, I though I had missed my call. I actually looked into being midwife or doula, because giving birth was such an amazing experience.

Do you remember when you found out you were first pregnant? Would you describe that?

I had just run a marathon. I kept wondering why I would fall asleep. I’d be sitting in a chair and suddenly be sleeping. So, I went to the clinic to find out what was going on. I didn’t do a home pregnancy test. I didn’t tell anyone. (I like to hold information close. I’ve always been like that.) Scott and I were into Friends. There is an episode where Ross kisses Rachel for the first time.  Afterward I asked Scott, “Didn’t it make you happy? It made me happy. I’m happy.” Then I told him, “We’re going to have a baby!”  Scott was so excited!

When I had [gave birth to] Julia, I thought I had missed my call. I actually looked into being a midwife or doula, because giving birth was such an amazing experience. 

What’s the best part of being a mom? And the worst?

Best part is the relationships. Watching them grow and flourish. Seeing them live out things that they value. The worst part is the desire to do it for them but you can’t. You want to take away the pain, but you can’t.

One of the criticisms of the mommy blogosphere is how “fake” it is. I want to be honest, and I want my mommy role models to be honest. I’m guessing you have days or whole seasons when you’ve struggled or even felt like you failed as a parent. Would you tell me about a moment like that? 

I didn’t feel like I had failed; I just felt like I couldn’t be real.

When the kids were in high school, I had a women’s group who had been meeting since our kids were little. There was a mom talking about how her daughter hadn’t gotten an A and wasn’t performing very well. I just shrank. I didn’t feel like I could share that my struggle was trying to get our child to graduate. I felt shame and sadness. I didn’t feel like I had failed; I just felt like I couldn’t be real.

When the kids were little, we stopped going out. Julia was super active. We lost her at church. She escaped the nursery and we couldn’t find her. So, we stopped going to worship and going out to eat. 

I remember I felt divided [about going back to work or staying home]. I couldn’t be a stay-at-home mom; I was a better mom as a working mom.

What would you say to a new mom who feels overwhelmed or not measuring up?

No matter what it is, do not over-react (as my throat hurts from yelling).

I don’t know. My sassy-self says get on medication. I was on top of one child but two took me down! I did start taking anti-depressants. No matter what it is, do no over-react (as my throat hurts from yelling). A friend once said to me “The mistake I made was not keeping your husband involved. Keep your husband involved. They need to be a partner.” Find your tribe.

Funny you should use that word “tribe”. When I interviewed my cousin Katie, she used the same word to express being a mother. She said she felt like she was part of a special tribe. It’s actually the word I’m using to call my mommy role models and daughters, those women who I am interviewing for Her First Role Model. Those women who have really helped me in shaping the way I am raising Addy.

I had that group of moms who met regularly. I also had role models like my mom, step-mom, step-sister, and my youth director. They gave me both do’s and don’ts.

Let’s talk about sex. Thanks for letting me interview you about something so personal. I don’t remember my mom ever talking to me about it. I found a book on her library shelf that had pictures and explanations. I hid it in my closet. I would sit in there and look at it. One time, she found it and asked me if I took it. When I said I had, she simply gave it back to me. She might have said something like if you have questions, just ask. My cousins were the ones who taught be how to use a tampon.

Yep, my sister-in-law taught me about that.

Did your mom talk to you about your body? About sex?

It was my step-sister, Kristi, that talked to me about sex.

Yes, talking around the surface. It was more about wanting to wear make-up. I gave her a pass because she had a ton of other stuff to take care of, having to deal with my alcoholic dad. It was my step-sister, Kristi, that talked to me about sex. I was 8 when Kristi got pregnant from her first-time having sex. I didn’t necessarily understand all of it. At night, I would be in my room, and she in hers. I would hear her crying. I would go her, and we would just hold each other.

Did you have “the talk” with Julia and Emily? 

Yes.

We didn’t really talk much until they googled the word “butt”.

What do you remember saying? How old were they? 

We started when they were little. We read age-appropriate books about the subject. 20 minutes before bed we would look at them [the books] and talk about it. I am sure the girls hated it. I’m comfortable with my body so hopefully that helped them feel comfortable with bodies too.

We didn’t really talk much until they googled the word “butt”. and saw all these pictures. Scott walked by and saw all the “butt” pictures on the screen. He didn’t respond well. He came to me and said, “you’re going to have to talk to them.” I did.

Was it one talk or a series of conversations over the course of time?

It was lots of talks about lots of different things.

Did you talk to them about birth control?

They would say something like “my acne is so bad; I should go on birth control.” I told them to get real…There’s a lot at stake.

I talked to them about birth control. They would say something like “my acne is so bad; I should go on birth control.” I told them to get real. That might be something you say in public, but let’s talk about this. There’s lots at stake.

Scott and I share the same set of values and align along most issues, except abortion. I am pro-choice. My husband is not. I made a pact with my daughters. All they have to do is call me, and I’ll go to the clinic with them. We don’t need to talk to dad.

What did you say or do so that your daughters felt safe and comfortable (as comfortable as possible anyway) when coming to you with questions or needing advice?

…I would circle around to the other adult who were influential to my daughters.

I tried to not over-react. And I would circle around to other adults who were influential to my daughters. An adult who worked with Julia told me that she had been talking about her sex life at work, in the coffee shop around everyone. I went right to Julia, and we talked about how she was presenting herself in public and if that was what she wanted or meant to do.

I was doing a little internet research and found the following “Do and Don’t List” for talking to one’s kids about sex.

• Do clarify your own values about sex
• Don’t wait until they’re teenagers to talk about sex
• Do make yourself available
• Don’t use pet names for private parts
• Do consider the setting for your conversations
• Don’t overshare (don’t answer for more than they’re asking)
• Do explain their rights, responsibilities and what’s at stake

Do you think this is a good list? 

Yes.

Would you add anything, or did you add anything when talking to your girls?

Make sure when you have sex, it is with someone you care about. After reading Shameless[by Nadia Boelz-Weber], I would do it differently. There is so much shame that surrounds having pre-marital sex.

For any mom reading this and putting off these important conversations, what would your pep talk sound like?

Figure out where you’re at first.

Figure out where you’re at first. What are your values? And then be non-reactive; take it in and wait. If you need to say, “I need to think about this and then we can talk.” I haven’t always been good at this. When I found out my daughter snuck into her boyfriend’s window, I was angry and didn’t wait to talk to her. Ask yourself, “What is my central message? What is up with my kid? What is going on with them?”

When I was young, I had this message in the back of my own mind: this package [healthy, well-formed body], I had it going on, it isn’t going to last forever so you better have something else. 

And Kris has. Her daughters too.