Meet Katie Bell: Working Mom & My Cousin

Thanks so much for agreeing to do this! I am honored, simply honored. Wish we could be doing this interview over cocktails on a beach in Mexico (or anywhere sunny and warm). 

One of the first major parenting issues I faced was the decision to stay at home full time or go back to work or some combination of the two. I wanted to talk to you about your choice to pursue a full-time career where you have found a lot of success and longevity.

Do you follow any blogs?

No. Because I travel and have a decent commute, I listen to podcasts. This blog would be a great podcast.

Maybe down the road I can learn how to do that. It would be fun!

I fell part of a special club. I’m part of a tribe.

What is your definition of motherhood?

I feel part of a special club. I’m part of a tribe. (Yep, I stole the term from Katie.) When I think about my mission for this important job, it is to help my children become people who will be contributors to the world as an adult. Help them along the way to figure that out.

As a parent, what values do you hope to convey to your children?

As older children, we talk about this. Integrity (true to who you are and doing things you enjoy), being a trusted friend/someone people can rely upon and believe in, finding your passion and working hard (appreciate what it takes to be your best, whether sports or schools). And family (being there for one another). We practice this one every Sunday when we share our Highs and Lows.

In what ways do you teach those values, especially living them out for your kids to see?

I’m still fine tuning how I do this. How do I come home, especially when I am tired? Showing my kids some of my work projects so they know what I am up to. It helps my kids recognize what I am up to in a day. When they see my moods change, it helps them know what it means rather than seeing me tired or upset. It helps them to see that I am creating, how I am adding value. My work feeds a passion.

There are two other things I emphasize with my daughters, Lauren and Violet: looking for solutions and having courage.

Does your answer to that question change when you consider your daughters specifically?

I haven’t differentiated this with my kids directly. There are two other things I emphasize with my daughters, Lauren and Violet: looking for solutions and having courage. Take risks and put yourself out there.

Your oldest, Evan, was born 15 years ago. If you’re willing, please share what you remember about the day you found out you were pregnant.

I was in Minnesota on a business trip. While flying in, I was going through my calendar and realized I was late. As soon as I landed, I went to buy a home pregnancy test. Here I was in the hotel with a positive test result. I called Ryan [my husband]. He was a bit overwhelmed. After I hung up the phone, I called Mom. 

You needed someone to be excited with you?

Yes. And she was.

How were your second and third pregnancies different?

I was 28 with my first. I was young, healthy and traveling all over the place. Nothing slowed me down. I was very active throughout my whole pregnancy. I worked up until the very day of labor. It was hard because I didn’t have friends who had children or were pregnant. I missed my social life, so I felt isolated (I hadn’t found my tribe). I got depressed. There was loneliness, and I was melancholy. What helped me was going back to work. 

Lauren [my second], on the other hand, was easy, physically and socially. I had other parents and it was a great maternity leave. It was spring time so I had friends to walk with and other moms to go out for lunch with. Violet was also great!

I would tell other first-time moms to lean into others when it gets tough. Because it will be tough. Be honest about it.

Let’s focus on your daughters a bit. How old are your daughters?

13 and 7.

I like my kids, as people.

In what ways are they the same?

All three of my kids are kind and thoughtful of others. They care what people think of them and care about their parents. They want to please us. I’m proud of that. I like my kids, as people.

How are they different?

Evan is a thinker. He’s not going to be the first one in there. But once there, he is all in. He keeps things in and is not as expressive. He doesn’t waste his words.

Lauren was born with boat loads of courage. She is an achiever and values doing things well. I never have to worry about whether she is doing her homework. I have to stay on top of Evan. When Lauren was younger. I would pick her up from her afterschool program and she would always be sitting with a friend working on homework. I thought her friend was being such a good influence on her. Turn out it was Lauren who was the good influence on her friend.

Violet is Miss Social. She knows how to turn a frown upside down. Wherever she goes, she knows everyone. She is a happy soul.

Does your parenting style vary from one to the other?

Yes. The roles Ryan and I take with each is definitely different.

With Evan, Ryan is the disciplinarian and coach. He is the one who raises the expectations. I’m the supporter, empathizer, encouraging cheerleader.

With Lauren, I am tougher on her. I see a lot of myself in her. I’m the one pushing her (she doesn’t necessarily need it academically but socially I am challenging her). I’m enhancing her emotional intelligence, because it isn’t her strength.

Violet. She’s an anomaly. What changes our parenting is the fact that she has an older brother and sister who step in and keep her in line. I will push her academically and make sure she is following the teacher’s lead instead of doing the leading. Disciplined structure isn’t present in the way it was with the first two [kids]. Violet rolls with the punches. 

Because we’re cousins, we’ve spent a lot of time together. We’ve known each other since childhood, so I know the kind of person you were before motherhood. And from what I’ve seen, you are the same woman now as you were before the birth of your first child. That is just one of the reasons I admire you. It can’t be easy. Since Addy’s birth, I often wonder who I was before that. It has defined so much of who I am. Do you think having a strong sense of purpose contributes to keeping yourself so centered, so steady?

Yes, I live with purpose.

Works allows me to be creative. I get to solve things! And my kids would say I work hard.

What does it mean to live with purpose?

Be in a role in which you are excited. My purpose in my work is to help to make an impact in the workplace, to make it better for colleagues so they can do their work well and then go home and be happy there too. Money is a measurement for me. It provides me with a sense of achievement. It’s like a score for an athlete. Some days I don’t do a good job. I have experienced my purpose wain. Right now, who [my supervisor] I work for and the values of the company align with mine, so it is much easier than if I were working somewhere where that wasn’t the case. As a mom, you have to be efficient. Time is valuable. So, if the alignment isn’t there, it will be hard. Work allows me to be creative. I get to solve things! And my kids would say I work hard.

This is only my second mom interview. The first was with an old friend, Karen. We talked about her choice to stay home with her children. It was the best choice for her family. You made a different choice for yourself and your family. Let’s talk about that. What was this decision like for you?

Ryan and I grew up differently. My mom was the “breadwinner”. Her career took off during my preteens. My friends’ moms also worked. Ryan’s mom did not work. With all the travel for her husband’s work, it wasn’t realistic for her to build a career. Ryan and I talked about it [before having a baby] and just assumed we would both work. On maternity leave, we did talk more. Honestly, with Evan, we didn’t really have the choice. At the time, I was resentful. Now I look back, I am grateful. Research shows that to step out at the typical age of motherhood makes it hard to gain career momentum.

I remember I asked Ryan, “Do you love what you?” His response was no. And I loved what I was doing, so that is how we moved forward.

We revisited this decision when we had our third child. Ryan was traveling a lot more, internationally. I remember I asked Ryan, “Do you love what you do?” His response was no. And I loved what I was doing, so that is how we moved forward. I went back to work, and Ryan took on the home responsibilities. There was no competition for career-building. And Ryan is getting back to coaching, which he loves. This may not be the permanent way of doing things. Now I am grateful. The first few years, I did not feel that way. During the first few years, I kept thinking about what I would do if I was the one there [at home], how would I do things differently. I had to let those go.

Did you and your husband have to make any sacrifices?

Yes. There were financial sacrifices, like pensions. But Ryan has gotten a second chance with our kids. He missed out on a lot with Evan and Lauren. But now with Violet he is right in there.

As you consider the benefits and sacrifices, do you have any regrets?

No, I really don’t. There have been hard times. I have had moments when I thought there must be an easier way. I remember one time when my job wasn’t filling me. I hated going to work. I was flying somewhere for work. I remember sitting there in the airplane. I thought it would be easier if I just pull open this door and jump out. I told Ryan about it. He told me that we have to change that. My mental health is so important. Mostly, I have worked for companies that are family-owned, so family was integrated into their culture. That was the experience in my first job. Without that, my decisions [to work or stay home] may have been different.

Dads are doing more of the traditional mother roles. Isn’t this the more of the controversial issue?

I recently read about a Harvard research study that concluded adult children of moms who work report the same level of happiness as adult children of moms who stay home. The study revealed another interesting finding: adult daughters whose moms worked outside the home were high earners, held more supervisory positions and have significantly more education than children of mothers who did not work outside the home. It is not my goal to advocate for one choice over another. I thought the study was curious in that neither choice produced far better results than the other. Why do you think this parenting decision is such a controversial issue?

I don’t know. I just love these moms that stay home and do so much at school, because it makes it better for my kids. At first, with Evan, I only knew working mothers. I am impressed by those [stay-at-home] moms that I’ve seen. Dads are doing more of the traditional mother roles. Isn’t this more of the controversial issue? When Ryan stayed home, I had so many people say things to me like, “Ryan is taking advantage of you” or “why isn’t Ryan working; is there something wrong“. They assumed things [financially] must be so tight for us. As though I couldn’t be making enough for him to stay home. I’d like to see this blog take a closer look at the modern family.

Is there anything else you’d like to share with my readers?

We [mothers] have the choice to do what we want to do.