Meet Karen Ray: My First Mommy Role Model

I chose to interview my friend and first mommy role model, Karen Ray, because it was a weekend at her home and with her kids that stretched my imagination. My ex-husband and I were asked to home sit with her kids in it. From making meals to playing in the backyard, it was like playing an adult version of “house”. Until that weekend, I never once considered having children of my own. More than that I had made the choice to not be a parent. There are a lot of other circumstances that changed in my life and brought me to this day, a day when being a mom is my top priority and one of the biggest parts of my identity to the world. Yet I am certain that without Karen’s invitation to take care of her kids, Addy wouldn’t be by my side now. Thanks, Karen.

This is a conversation I’ve envisioned many times before. It was meeting you and your lovely family that gave me a first inkling that I might one day be a mom myself. So I think of you often as I navigate my way through both the mountains and the valleys of parenthood.

It is important to me that they see people as people, with no “better or less than”, treating EVERYONE with respect and kindness.

As a parent, what values do you hope to convey to your children?

I hope that I have raised our kids to be considerate and compassionate. I have worked to help them to learn the value of suspending judgement.  It is important to me that they see people as people, with no “better or less than”, treating EVERYONE with respect and kindness. I also want them to appreciate nature. Values that are important to me include compassion, consideration, respect, nature (is that a value?)

Absolutely, that’s a value. I’m actually dedicating a portion of Her First Role Model to that value, along with getting Addy outside everyday.

In what ways do you teach those values or live them out in ways they can see?

Good manners! We show consideration and respect whenever we see an opportunity to do so. Helping others, especially when no one is looking!

Does your answer differ when you consider your daughter, Lucy, specifically?

I believe our general values have not varied with Lucy and the boys.

I believe it may be easier for a female to fall into an unhealthy way of showing compassion and consideration.

Why not?

This is a terrific question. I’m wondering if the values changed in translation in regard to gender. I perhaps did not do the best job in instilling good boundaries for Lucy. I believe it may be easier for a female to fall into an unhealthy way of showing compassion and consideration. It may be easier to give a bit too much of yourself and neglect your own needs as a female. Why? I’m not sure. Could be cultural. Remember moms from the South.

Lucy is your oldest child and only daughter. What do you remember about her birth?

It was the best! Frighteningly long. It seemed like 2 or 3 days! It was super hot in Denver. James [my husband] and I were planning on one night in a hotel with a/c to get some rest before “the party” started. I went into labor the evening we checked in. We went to the hospital. Were sent home. Went back. The labor was hours. She was beautiful! WOW was all I could say!

My daughter, Addy, loves to hear her birth story. Have you ever told Lucy this story?

Yep.

How old is your daughter now?

25.

How would you describe Lucy?

Lucy is a badass skier. She does not care what others think. She went through a rough period and has grown so much as a result of that. She is so grounded, kind, thoughtful, funny, brave, and beautiful. A true treasure. Lucy Ray takes shit from no one!

We are cheerleaders for one another.

What kind of relationship do you have with your daughter?

Lucy and I are very close. We are very honest with and supportive of each other. We are cheerleaders for one another.

What was your most memorable experience with Lucy during her childhood?

I remember as an infant, nursing Lucy in the middle of the night. The house would be so quiet. Sweet moments of no stress and lots of love.

What’s the best part of being a mom?

Seeing my kids thriving and enjoying the company of their siblings.

On the flipside, what is the hardest part?

Watching them make mistakes.

As imagine, as I look back, my unspoken purpose was to keep my kids safe and healthy and to instill in them the values that I never really articulated.

There are 2 reasons why I’ve asked you to be my first interview. You’re my first mommy role model, and you are the first stay-at-home mom I met in my adulthood. I definitely thought about you when I was making a decision to cut back my work hours and eventually stay home full time. When I think about the moms I admire, 4 values have come up again and again: strong self-esteem, resilience, compassion and purpose. Do you think you have these in your possession?

Compassion is my big one. I’m growing in self- esteem and resilience.  I have been forced to grow in these two areas as a result of my kids’ struggles.  I have worked the twelve steps and learned to establish and defend boundaries. Self-esteem requires daily effort on my part. My resilience has developed greatly as a result of my work. As for purpose, I’ve not given it much thought. As I get older, I ask myself a lot, “what is my gift to give?” I’m still not quite sure. I believe I am a connector, creator, and teacher. I imagine, as I look back, my unspoken purpose was to keep my kids safe and healthy and to instill in them the values that I never really articulated.

That is a beautiful definition of motherhood: to keep my kids safe and healthy, and to instill in them the values that I never really articulated.

I thought I was doing a fairly good job with Lucy, but now I realize I couldn’t give her what I didn’t have for myself [strong self-esteem].

Could you say a bit more about those values?

The self-esteem piece is huge. Mine was very low and conditional. This makes James laugh, not in a mean way, he just sees me as so strong and confident, and I don’t see it at all. I see all of the hurt [low self-esteem] it caused me. I did not have a voice. I thought I was doing a fairly good job with Lucy, but now I realize I couldn’t give her what I didn’t have for myself. Thankfully we’ve both worked through a lot of hard stuff and are both much stronger now.

The way I do “me” is OK. Actually, it’s perfect, even though it is different from the majority of my peers.

Not on my list but another value I learned from you: joy! You are fun-loving. I saw you and your children laughing a lot together. I saw your playful side as you interacted with them. Are you naturally a joyful, fun-loving person?

So funny, Mandy. For Lent this year, I’m working on my joie de vivre. I feel like I’ve lost it. I LOVE silly celebrations, NOT pomp and circumstance. I believe I got that from my mom. I work hard to see beauty and sweetness in small things every day. Most days, I easily see SOMETHING that brings me joy. That said, I struggle with depression. It sometimes takes immense energy to keep going. Part of this struggle is becoming more apparent to me as the kids are growing up and moving on. I’m realizing that I devoted myself to them, and now I’m wondering what next? It’s very existential. Who am I now? Again, what is my gift to give the world? I’m realizing that I am an introvert surrounded by some very large personalities. I’m working to feel more comfortable with that. The way I do “me” is OK. Actually, it’s perfect, even though it is very different from the majority of my peers. At the end of the day, I would say yes, joy comes pretty naturally for me when I’m healthy.

I never take myself too seriously.

I’m naturally a serious person, so being a fun-loving and playful mom is hard. A lot of moms I’ve talked to struggle with this too and so often defer to their husbands to “play” with the kids. Do you have any tips for me and those others moms on how to be more playful?

I never take myself too seriously. I also wonder, what is the point? If not to find joy and beauty in the world.

Is Lucy fun-loving?

Holy cow, yes!

Has she always been so?

I believe so. Though there was a bit of a rough spot in middle school and high school.

I know you played with Lucy as a child. In what ways do you play together now?

We love travelling, watching stupid stuff on TV, like the Kardashians. While I’m not much of a skier, she goes up every chance she gets. I guess we just enjoy each other’s company. We go out to eat, get manis, people-watch. It’s especially fun when we realize we are reading each other’s minds. It happens a lot! Almost always funny!

Late in my pregnancy, I realized how much I was doing to take care of this little person and had a really hard time imagining handing her over to another care-giver.

Let’s talk about your decision to stay at home. What was that decision like for you?

When I was pregnant, people would ask, and I would say “I don’t know, I’ve never done this before.” Late in my pregnancy, I realized how much I was doing to take care of this little person and had a really hard time imagining handing her over to another care-giver. I went back to real estate on a very part-time basis. My mother-in-law helped a bit, and I took Lucy to a pre-school type place at our athletic club for a very short while. It didn’t take long for me to realize the effort and unhappiness we went through to make this happen. It just was not worth it.  We made the decision as a family for me to stop working. Actually, as I look back, I stopped all together when Charlie was born. I was very fortunate to find an office that loved for Lucy to come with me to work. All those Southern ladies who supported me as a mom and LOVED Lucy. They would swing by my desk to get a Lucy fix when they were dealing with crazy.

What factors did you consider when making that decision? 

What’s best for the kids? Can we do it? In my opinion, we could not afford to pay someone to do my job as their mom. I saw it as valuable, almost unquantifiable.