I am no stranger to loss and to deep grief. The kind that shakes you to the bone, rattling your self-identity and requiring some outside help to deal and heal. Losing a brother and a sister, both to suicide, and then 3 first trimester miscarriages, I have faced difficult losses. The brokenness brought on by these are understandable and identifiable. Of course, there are stigmas involved with these and the population is largely silent about their realities and even perpetuates false assumptions and stereotypes surrounding miscarriage and suicide. But they are publicly acknowledged at the very least.
Something people don’t really understand or talk about is emotional neglect and the emotional addiction and codependence that results. So often it has been left to the professionals to explore and make comments. It rarely leaves academic circles unless you find yourself in therapy or enjoy Instagram’s pop psychologists. I am no stranger to counseling and professional therapy. From my mid-twenties to my mid-forties, I have spent countless hours and resources seeking the right kind of professional help. Some of it was spot on and others were a waste of my time. I don’t regret the work that I did, and without it, I would never have found out about codependency and 12-step programs.
When I sought help from my most recent therapist, it was my goal to make significant behavioral changes, along with an emphasis on growth mindset. I also wanted a professional who believed in the use of antidepressants and anxiety drugs but would provide a path toward reduction antidepressants and ultimately, living drug free. I found someone to help me, and I can proudly report I made it to my goal. I am anti-depressant free and no longer have regular therapy sessions. I may need the both again someday, but right now, I am living well and thriving under my own care. This is largely due to something my therapist advocated for from the very beginning: a 12-step program, in my specific case Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families.
Before going any farther, I want to be clear. My parents are not alcoholics. I love my parents and am grateful for their love and care. I never wanted as a child, and I was given so many opportunities to grow. But something that wasn’t forthcoming in my childhood was emotional support and regulation. I lived in a home with a lack of communication and the method of shoving difficult emotions under the rug. Anxiety and depression were part of the adult dynamics and was pervasive, affecting everything from dinner time to holidays, to discipline and social outlets. It’s not really necessary to go into all the details. The short and dirty: I grew up wondering if I was good enough, smart enough, and beautiful enough. I never learned how to stand up for myself nor how to recognize what I was feeling. I lived in fear of failure and did everything I could to stay busy and to be seen as the best in everything I did. I looked for outside affirmation and sought value through anything but myself or my faith. I never learned how to live in the uncomfortable emotions, always stopping and staying put in angry. I couldn’t face sadness nor discomfort, so I always looked for the quickest feel good. I would fabricate excitement. And perhaps the biggest crutch I learned to use was believing I had control over others, and it was my responsibility to make people feel good or at the very least, take the blame for other people’s anger and disappointment.
I didn’t know where I stopped, and another person began. I was the master at triangulation and manipulation. I knew how to avoid and deflect. I would blame others and spent very little time owning my part in things. Agency wasn’t a thing I had, nor did I know what it was and how to get some. After leaving home, I continued to look for affirmations outside myself. Receiving a boy’s attention was how I assigned value, and alcohol was how I got up the courage to seek out a boy’s attention. I had sex way too early in life and for all the wrong reasons. Honestly, it wasn’t until my thirties that I found out I like sex and that it could be really good when happening for all the right reasons.
Covid life was hard for all of us. But for me, it was the beginning of my downfall. Never once did I seek out a friend or confidant to share that I was struggling. Instead, I drank and got high. My daughter would go to bed (my husband was working in eastern Wisconsin), and I would hit the bottle. And eventually, I hit rock bottom. Finally, I heard my therapist tell me about my need to face my codependency and try a 12-step group. I found an ACA group and committed to it for over 3 years, once a week.
ACA is a 12 Step program that focuses on emotional sobriety.
We were all profoundly affected by the dysfunction in our families of origin, whether alcohol was present in the home or not. Consequently, we developed a set of “laundry list” traits that helped us survive that experience. These traits may have been adaptive at the time, but have now come to substantially disrupt our lives. We recover by “working our program.” This means attending ACA meetings and working the Twelve Steps. The Steps are not meant to be worked in isolation, which is why we work with more experienced members, a twelve step group, and/or our fellow travelers (others in ACA). ACA is a spiritual program, not a religious program. The only requirement for membership is a desire to recover from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family. ACA has no membership fees.
www.adultchildren.org/newcomer/
It was hard work. First, to acknowledge I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t a weirdo. I had layers upon layers of shame. But I did it. I faced my fears. I worked every step. And my group was there for me when the rest of my world either had no clue or didn’t understand why I need this kind of help. Aside from weekly meetings, I made my way through countless workbooks. And I used a meditation book daily. It sat right next to my Bible and devotionals. I admit, I know longer go to weekly meetings and don’t use any workbooks. My daily meditations sit collecting dust on a bookshelf. But I still work my steps. I will always work the steps, because it is the only way I know how to be emotionally sober and to recognize where I end and others begin. The steps and all the work I have done can be summed up in one idea: reparenting.
Through recovery, we use reparenting to connect with ourselves and others in a healthy manner. We pause and notice how we do things like minimizing ourselves without realizing it. With this awareness we can reframe our mistakes as chances to learn and grow emotionally. Our own Loving Parent reminds us that we will not recover overnight as it takes time; that by doing the reparenting work in ACA, we are good enough and making progress.
Being a mom, I latched onto the idea of reparenting and understood it more than any kind of therapy I had ever done. As I reparented myself, I was able to become a better parent for Addy. Before working the program, I was a yeller and would use emotional manipulation and shame as parenting techniques. Until the program, I had no idea that I was doing that. I just knew something felt wrong. I don’t raise my voice anymore. And I absolutely stopped shaming my daughter. My hope is to end the cycle of codependence and to offer my daughter a healthy space to explore her emotions and to develop agency. Without anxiety and depression ruling my days, I have become a confident woman and someone I can be proud of. If my daughter looks up to me, I know that I can be the kind of woman she can emulate and learn from.
As a Christian, I have always known that I am a broken person living in a broken world. From the moment sin made its way into God’s perfect creation, we experience the pain and hurt that comes from failed relationships, greedy decisions, ignorant beliefs and judgmental biases. I believe we need saving, and I believe Jesus is the only one that saves. But I never knew I was broken emotionally, nor that the risky behaviors I chose were mechanisms to fill the void of unmet needs. My 12-step program helped me to see what was going on and offered me steps that would not only heal my brokenness but give me a healthy platform from which to live an adult life without numbing the pain and avoiding responsibility or worse, taking on someone else’ responsibility. I am so grateful the Holy Spirit guided me to ACA and through the last 5 years. I give glory to God for His saving graces and the wisdom of a community that helped me to heal from a brokenness I never knew I had.
